Ambien. No doubt about it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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