I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
