I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
