She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
