Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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