my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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