my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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