shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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