dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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