just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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