Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
