I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
