she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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