Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
