Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
