I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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