i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
