you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
