On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
