Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
