I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
