I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Randomize
