God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
