my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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