He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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