Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
