I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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