Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
