i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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