I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
