last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
