I bet he comes in French.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
