Jerry, you need to find god
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
