I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
