She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
