At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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