4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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