dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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