I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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