i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
