How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
