Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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