Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
