i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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