quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
