Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
