Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
