Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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