she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
