at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
