Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
