I just saw a hot homeless man
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So. Much. Porn.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
